"Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through!"
The resident super hero of the World Wrestling Federation, Hurricane Helms, makes his way swiftly towards the ring. He was on a mission and this particular one might be the most serious one he's ever had to accomplish.
"Ladies, gentlemen and children. I come to you tonight with a very serious issue to address to you all," Helms states, looking around at the audience in attendance. They all cheer, not only because the Hurricane was a big favorite in his home state of North Carolina, where he currently was, but also because anything he deemed serious in the past, was hilarious to them.
"You see, the Hurricane has discovered not one evil villain, but rather several of them. What dastardly deed have these individuals done, you ask? They have all lied to you! All of you innocent citizens have been betrayed!" A collective gasp is heard throughout the stands.
"My suspicions about these fellows was confirmed with highly disturbing video footage I have. Now," he takes a dramatic pause before continuing. "Right now I'm going to show you the first of four videos. I'm doing it this way because, the footage on these tapes is so disturbing, watching them consecutively may cause serious mental harm."
He turns to face the Titan Tron now, a determined look in his eyes. "Without further ado, I present to you the first in a serious of awful, vile villains... Rob Van Dam!" Hurricane motions with his hand at the Tron as the stadium goes black and a video starts.
On the screen, the Michigan Native is shown in his locker room. He has on his wrestling attire and is standing in front of a mirror, facing sideways with a frown on his face. He was clearly upset about something, but what could it be?
"I know I've gotta stop doing those crazy moves," he declares to himself it seems. However, as he turns a little to the side, it's obvious he's on the phone. He checks his reflection out while nodding his head. He stops when the person on the other end of the phone says something that must be important.
"Listen, doc, I know that. You think I want to be in the middle of a match and all of a sudden the bottom of my shorts are wet because they're leaking? Of course not! That would be so embarrassing, and so.. not cool. I can't do anything uncool, because after all, I'm R-V-D." Rob attempts to do his patented thumb-pointing but can't due to the phone in his hand. He shrugs his shoulders instead.
"Uh-huh. Yes. I understand. I'll calm down a bit. Yes, I know that. I know that, too. Jeez, do you think I'm an idiot or something?" Rob pauses, his frown deepening. He goes back to looking at his reflection in the mirror. It was obvious he was getting very frustrated with whomever he was talking to.
"For the last time, I know! Do you think I'm actually concerned how the price of ass implants is going up? Puh-lease! I'm rolling in the dough, doc. I've got nothing to worry about in case they do leak except a bruised ego if anyone were to find out. Do you realize that my ass has a cult following? Yep, it's true. You should see all the signs these girls bring to the shows, talking about my ass, exclaiming their love for it. Why, there's even a web site about it on the internet! Now, I don't want to disappoint all of my fans, because, well, they think it's all natural. They don't have any clue that before I discovered such implants, my rear end was as flat as a board." Rob listens for another minute as the other person talks. "Don't worry. I'll check 'em out after every show." He laughs, then, "I do that now anyway. Okay. I'll check in with you later. 'Bye Doctor Campbell."
The video footage stops there and the lights in the arena come back on. While the Hurricane's expression is as serious as ever, every single member in the audience is in an uproar of laughter.
"Did I not tell you that was going to be disturbing? That's not the worst of it though, for some worse lies are yet to come. Keep your eyes open, everyone, for I will be back!" Helms' music starts up again and he promptly exits the ring. Tonight was going to be a very long night for him and he needed some rest.
As he nears his locker room, Hurricane hears his name being shouted. With a tight-lipped smirk, he realized it could only be on person... Rob.
"Dude, Hurricane! I definitely need to have a word with you!" he exclaims, getting closer. Helms turns around to face the other man, a look of disappoint on his face.
"What service can I be for you, evil villain Van Dam?"
"Okay, listen, man, why'd you show that footage? You just ruined me! I'll never live it down. Never ever," Rob complains, not acting at all like his usual laid-back self, but rather like a three-year old throwing a temper tantrum.
The Hurricane can do nothing but shake his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Van Dam but there's nothing I can do about it now. If you wouldn't have lied in the first place to all of your fans, then you wouldn't be in this predicament."
"But, but.. He-elms.." It seemed as if Rob was actually on the verge of tears.
"Once again, I am sorry Rob. You're the only one here to blame for this. You had to find out the hard way when you lie to ones that care so much about you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go. A super hero's work - especially this super hero - is never done!" Before Rob van get another word in edgewise, Hurricane jumps away with a "whoosh" sound.